This daily hell


I was driving to the store today and I was looking around at the green grass and the trees as they went by, thinking wow, what a nice day. I was also thinking of someone that just died from Melanoma in the past 24 hrs. It wasn't someone I knew personally, but every time someone dies of this cancer it's like a punch to the gut. But I was also thinking, that person will never see the trees again, or the green grass with the sun shining down on it. They'll never see another sunset, never breathe the air, never hear music... and it made me ask questions.

Why? Why her? Why now?

And, of course, the ultimate question... When will it be my time?

I know, we all die. We each have our own time, but most people go on with their happy little lives not thinking about their own mortality. Therapists tell us that we have to not think about it or else we'd drive ourselves crazy. That should tell you something about people with Melanoma. We never get a day off, it's always there. So yeah, I guess we're all a little crazy.

Have I faced my own mortality? You bet I have. Ask anyone with Melanoma and they will answer you the same. We have to, we don't have a choice. We are walking around with a ticking time bomb inside us, with no idea of when it will go off.

I keep trying to explain to my friends and loved ones how Melanoma is different from other cancers. I can't blame people for not knowing about it, I didn't know either before I was diagnosed. Even when the dermatologist called me on the phone and told me I had Melanoma, I still didn't totally understand. It wasn't that shock of dropping the phone in agony. It was more of a slowly dawning horror. Each time they said I had to have another surgery, and then when I had to make an appointment with an oncologist... then it started to get real. The final understanding came when my surgeon talked to me about mortality and survival rates, and as soon as she left the room, my mom and I both burst into tears.

My big goal at that point was to get through the surgeries and any kind of therapy that came afterwards. But once the surgeries were done and there was no further therapy, I just concentrated on healing and recovery. Once I healed, and everyone around me breathed a big sigh of relief, then the real lesson began. I really started learning what kind of cancer I have.

You just can't get it through some people's heads how Melanoma hides in your body, how there is NO CURE, how you will have it for the rest of what remains of your life. It can come back anytime, and if and when it does, it usually comes back to kill. I'm so tired of people telling me to think positive, that everyone dies, that I have to get on with my life.

Let me strap a bomb to your chest, and tell you it will go off sometime, you'll never know when, but until then, you HAVE to get on with your life and pretend it doesn't exist. Let's see how well you handle it.

Other kinds of cancers (not all, I know) usually have a date... two years, or five years cancer-free at which point the doctors consider you cured. My mom had ovarian cancer back in 1985 but it was a tumor and once removed, she was fine. Or course, she thinks if I can make it two or five years with no Melanoma recurrence, then I'll be fine. Even my primary doctor told me if it doesn't come back in two years, it probably won't. He, obviously, knows nothing about Melanoma.

My family asks me, why are you so adamant about this? It's almost like you WANT it to come back, like you are willing it to happen to you. Why are you so interested in doing a clinical trial when you're doing fine now? Do you WANT to have side effects and get sick? Why can't you leave enough alone? Stop obsessing over it, you're going to make it happen. You have to think positive and move on.


Melanoma doesn't give a rat's ass if you think positive. No, I DON'T want it to come back. No I DON'T want to be sick. What I DO want is understanding of the HELL I go through EVERY SINGLE DAY because of this damn black beast. What I DO want is for my family to prepare themselves just like I am doing, just in case. I want them to stop living in denial. If *I* can face this honestly, why can't they?

I know. Because they love me. Because the thought of losing me is too much. I'm thankful that I have loved ones that love me that much, but at the same time, I need them to understand that my life is not what it used to be. Everything has changed.

Everything.

I can't even remember what it was like before Melanoma. Without the ticking time bomb. I'm not the same person I was. I'm not going to handle things the same way. My outlook on life has been turned upside down.

I have and still am coming to terms with my own mortality.

I saw a video online yesterday from the Dana Farber Institute about fear of recurrence of cancer. It was interesting in that they said certain things can be triggers for your fear. For example, people getting diagnosed with your specific cancer, or people dying of it. They actually made a good suggestion to deal with it. They said one of the things you can do is try to avoid those triggers, but if you can't, then do good things for yourself. Watch a movie that is silly and stupid and makes you laugh. Buy yourself something. Do something you really enjoy.

I thought that was great advice. When I was going through my surgeries and recoveries, I bought all the Stargate Atlantis and Stargate SG-1 DVDs and watched them everyday. They were my "happy place". So I guess what I need (besides my xanax) is more "happy places" to go to. I think that's something all of us with this black beast need to find.

Meanwhile, the bomb keeps ticking, and I keep beating my hands against a glass wall trying to get people to understand....

This is a daily mental hell.

This is MELANOMA.

How do you say goodbye to a year that has both blessed and cursed you? How do you welcome in a New Year with all the promise it brings while you live in fear of more health problems, and while you watch while people with your kind of cancer drop away?

I am conflicted this New Year's Eve.

This last year has brought about more tears and challenges than I would have ever expected, but while I was hanging on during the storm of cancer surgeries, I was also being blessed by many things, too. My family worrying about me, complete strangers telling me they would pray for me, my friends online and IRL letting me know they were here if I needed them, gifts I was sent, just the complete outpouring of love. One other great blessing I learned is that whatever happens to me, I'll get through. I'm not the wuss that I was.

I'm stronger than I thought I was.

While this knowledge does make a difference in the way I view things now, it still can't shield me completely when people still get diagnosed with this cancer, when friends struggle through their own cancer journies, when friends...die...from this cancer.

When I wonder if it will come back, and when...where in my body...how long will I fight...

Welcome to cancer-Land, it's a whole other country.

My sister today suggested that I get therapy to help me deal with all that happened this year, and all that could happen. I didn't take it as an insult because we've both been through therapy, but I'm wondering if that's what I really need. Isn't this a normal reaction when one has a serious illness? Sometimes it feels like people want to rush me through this year, through this cancer. Yes, I'm in remission, yes it may not come back for years and years, but I have to make this journey at my own pace. Just because it's over for YOU doesn't mean it's over for ME. It probably won't be totally over...EVER. Because my kind of cancer has no cure, and I know that. It hides, sometimes for years, but most of the time it comes back. I've resigned myself to that, but I don't want to think about it constantly.

I'm so scared. I'm so happy. I want to cry. I want to celebrate.

I'm so conflicted.

I guess it's not impossible to cry AND laugh at the same time, I know I've done it before. maybe that's what I need to do...both.

Cry for the people lost this year, cry for the pain of loved ones mourning, cry for all the heartache that may come in the new year, but laugh at all the funny moments this year, all the love shown to me, all the victories of getting through every single surgery like a trooper.

2011 you will ALWAYS be remembered, for the good as well as the bad.

2012 I won't ask for much, just let me live and enjoy every minute. Let me laugh, let me show love to others, let me feel the sun on my face without fear.

And if anything bad should happen...

Let me FIGHT.

I swiped this from archanglrobriel :

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
Lots of things, went to the hospital in an ambulance, had major surgery, first cancer diagnosis, first being "the cancer patient".

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't make any. I think it's counter-productive. Besides, if I'd had any idea what this year would be like, I think I would have run screaming.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No, sadly. Would have loved to snuggle a baby.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Personally, no, and I'm thankful for that. But alot of people with my kind of cancer died, and each person I heard about broke my heart and scared the hell out of me.

5. What countries did you visit?
The land of being a cancer patient. It's a whole other country.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
More money, just so I can pay my bills. More strength of character. More caring for the people around me. More health.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
March 14th, diagnosed with stage 3 metatastic melanoma. April 29th, recovering at mom's from my lymph nodes' removal while watching the royal wedding with Deni. Everyone else went to Heather's nursing graduation, but I couldn't go, and Deni stayed with me.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting through the surgeries without freaking out, realizing I was a HELL of alot stronger than I thought I was.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Honestly, I don't think in terms of failure anymore. Everything teaches you a lesson, and I learned ALOT this year. But my biggest dissapointment was not doing any new art. I'm still struggling to get rid of my mental block regarding that.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Ha. Cancer. The Big C. Need I say more?

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Nothing. It wasn't about material goods.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My mom, moving heaven and earth to be with me at every oncology appt, every scan, every surgery, every recovery. Deni, doing the best to take care of herself to lessen the load on me while I recovered and still being there for me to cry to. My neice Heather for taking care of me while I recovered, helping me take a shower when I couldn't lift my arm, changing my dressings and drain.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
I guess my other sister. I love her but I don't understand her. Her son and my nephew David, treating me, Deni, and my mom badly. Him not even caring that I had cancer.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Bills.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
When my PET scan results came back "No cancer in the organs".

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
Imogen Heap - Hide and Seek. It has that other world quality and I listened to it endlessly during scans and appts. It was the soundtrack of my cancer journey. Like I woke up in a different reality.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you
a) happier or sadder?
Both.
b) thinner or fatter?
Thinner
c) richer or poorer?
Poorer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Laugh, dream, look forward to the future.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Crying, wondering how long I have before the cancer comes back.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Mom

22. Did you fall in love in 2011?
No

23. How many one-night stands?
Zero

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Game of Thrones, American Horror Story, Amazing Race, Dexter, Work of Art

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I try not to hate. It gets me nowhere.

26. What was the best book you read?
11/22/63 by Stephen King

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I can't think of any...

28. What did you want and get?
toaster oven, crock pot, food chopper

29. What did you want and not get?
An iPad, a million dollars...lol

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
50/50 just because it applied to me so much.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was with my family, went into town with Deni to get pizza, I turned 47, and just seeing that number freaks me out. I should be so greatful to have a birthday at all, but 47?? Seriously, I still feel like 17 in my head.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
If my family had gotten along with each other more.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Is it clean and comfortable, does it show my scars.

34. What kept you sane?
Laughter, tv, movies, music

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Maybe Ethan Zahn for aggressively living his life while still fighting his cancer.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The Occupy Wallstreet movement.

37. Who did you miss?
People in my family that acted badly.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Every single person in the Bad Assed Melanoma Warriors on Facebook.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
You are stronger than you think you are. It's all about the love.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"It's been a long December and there's reason to believe
maybe this year could be better than the last"
"The smell of hospitals in winter, and the feeling that
it's all alot of oysters, and no pearl" - Counting Crows

Things have gotten really bad financially lately and I'm wracking my brain trying to figure out how to get myself out of this mess. With everyone cutting back I feel awful for asking for help, but a friend told me there are people out there willing to help. So here's the deal, I'm asking for help to pay my mortgage, electric, phone, and to buy some food. If anyone wants to donate to my cause, the gratitude would be endless, and that's what the money would be used for. We even called my biological dad and begged for help, but as usual, he was broke. This year has been hard for me personally, it started off great and just got worse. Now I'm about to lose everything, not to mention that I'm still waiting for my scans to come back to see if my cancer has spread,.

Anyways enough of that. If you want to donate, here's the paypal link.

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_flow&SESSION=uV25SQ1rrRga5wySIrDhd8v46jfCQ-KY16FfV-teX8yXw1XK1NjNnBBeO7O&dispatch=5885d80a13c0db1f8e263663d3faee8db2b24f7b84f1819390b7e2d9283d70f1

All you need is my email which is becca@sapphire-designs.com

Hope everyone has a safe and happy Halloween.  :)

I know I haven't posted over here in ages but I've been caught up in the cancer hamster wheel this year, as we all know. My last surgery was in June, having the tumor behind my knee removed and I wrote all about it over at http://www.itsonlymelanoma.blogspot.com/ so you can read about it there if you're interested. Since then I've had a checkup from head to toe at my dermatologist and she did two biopsies on two different moles, whick both came back fine, hurray! Now I'm just getting back to life until my PET scan and brain MRI at the end of October.

I have a new primary doctor and he's pretty good, but he's switched my meds around a bit, including my depression meds. Needless to say, since he's done so, I've been hiding my head under the covers in bed from the shitstorm that is my financial situation lately. Because of certain ::ahem:: female problems I've been having, my doctor wants to do an internal sonogram, which is where they stick a large wand-like metal thingy up your hoohaw and move it around to see if there's anything irregular. I was supposed to have it two weeks ago but I rescheduled so now I'm having it this Friday. Deni has had numerous amounts of them and they really hurt her, but I know it shouldn't hurt normal people. She has endometriosis and cysts that makes that kind of thing painful, but I shouldn't, so it should just be like having a pap smear... only more fun. Yeah. Can you tell how excited I am? Not.

So I'll be sure to tell him on Friday that the dosage and/or med he's giving me (Celexa) for my depression isn't working worth shit.

Also, how are you supposed to go on with your life once you're in remission from cancer? No one tells you how to do that. How not to freak the hell out every time something hurts, or you get a cough. How to wake up each day and wonder is today the day a stray melanoma cell gets activated? I still have lymphadema in my upper arm and my right torso and breast, and it's sore alot. Also my right arm hurts off and on, gets numb, tingles, you name it. Supposedly it will do this for the next year. I get headaches alot, but I always have, but when I do now, I think oh no, what if the melanoma's back and it's spread to my brain? Because if it does come back, it will be in my brain, liver, or lungs mostly. I have to tamp down these fears as best as I can, pop a Xanax, and try to get on with my life. And when my primary doc asks me if I have anything to stress about I just look at him. "Are you KIDDING me?".

My financial situation has plummetted ever since I got sick. All my bills are behind, I've had my utilities and phone shut off, had to beg and plead for them to turn them back on. I've even been totally honest with them about me having cancer and my sister being disabled. They don't care. They just work there. My bank account is negative $500 right now. All the charity places we've been told to call we've already gotten help from and most of them only help once a year. Deni sold her car for scrap to give us money but it barely made a dent. My parents are hurting financially too. Things just really suck right now. With my depression that just makes it even worse.

The reason I rescheduled my sonogram was because something happened to my parent's hemingway kitten two weeks ago. She's about the size of Arya, so she's not really a kitten... she's a lil bigger than that, but she's all white with blue eyes and she's a really scrapper, fearless... and that got her into trouble. she went up to my parents big dog Chewy while he was eating and we don't know for sure, but he must have growled at her then took her by the head and shook her. My dad found her laying unconcsious on the porch by the dog's food dish. At first she was lifeless except for extremely rapid breathing, and we were sure she was going to die. Lond story short, she survived, mom and I took her to the vet two days later and they gave her cortison and said she probably had a head injury. They confirmed that she was blind, but they said her sight might come back within a few weeks. It's been two weeks tomorrow and she's still blind but we think she sees light and dark so there's still hope. We're hoping it's just swelling on her optical nerve and that it will go down and her sight will come back. Until then she's being treated like the Princess she is. My parents baby her like you wouldn't believe. The dogs have been banished to the porch and the kitty sleeps with them in the bedroom...lol. But I was so SO upset by her accident that I couldn't manage to go get my sonogram done. I can't handle anything bad happening to cats. It just kills me. But she's doing good and I'm so happy.

That new show Terra Nova comes on tonight and I'm looking forward to it, but can I just mention the obvious? They are sending humans back to the past in order to save humanity in the future. So you're sending them back past the K2 boundary to the time of the dinosaurs? What about the K2 asteroid that wiped out ALL life on earth?? Hope you have a really big slingshot, huh? Do you think they'll mention that? We'll see how smart the writers are.

Well that's all for now. Sorry so negative. Things better pick up soon... or else I'm gonna drown myself in a case of Smirnoff apple bite wine coolers.

Ta.

New posts are up at http://www.itsonlymelanoma.blogspot.com/

Enjoy, y'all.

I haven't posted here in ages, I'm posting more over in my cancer journal, so if you're interested, go over there to read what's going on with me lately.

It's Only Melanoma

Also, I have to say a personal HUGE THANK YOU to Martha, (ladyithildiel). I got one of those notices the other day from the post saying I had a registered letter to pick up and all I could think of were negative possibilities. Instead, it was a totally unexpected beautiful red coral necklace from Martha in Athens! She saw it while out shopping and supposedly coral has healing properties. Isn't that great?? Martha, I can't tell you how much it means to me to know someone on the other side of the world is thinking about me enough to send me such a lovely gift!! I wore it straight away and it's so beautiful! I'm constantly amazed at the kindness of the friends I've made here on LJ and Martha, you are a blessing and you're in my thoughts and prayers every day!

I have a new journal at http://itsonlymelanoma.blogspot.com/ about my cancer journey, which is still in progress. For those of you that are interested and won't get depressed, don't mind me going "on and on" about having cancer, please feel free to read me over there.

I have a feeling I'll be posting more over there for a while than here.

And for those that don't want to read me there, I may be taking a hiatus from LJ for a bit, but I'll still be reading it every day. I just have more of a need to post in the other journal right now.

Love.

I had a feeling this tumor was benign, but I knew it had to come out, otherwise I would always wonder.. and be scared. So on Monday Mom and I headed over to the ortho oncologist for a pre-pre-op checkup. I got to ask questions and get the play-by-play from Doc Onc and his trusty sidekick Mr Fellow (who is actually kinda cute). Once I was done there, Mom and I ran a few errands and made it to Shands hospital Anesthesiology dept in time for my official pre-op. This consists of waiting in a waiting room along with about 30 other people, getting called on, go back and fill out paperwork, go back to waiting room and wait, getting called, go fill out more paperwork with someone else, go back and wait more, getting called, go have tube after tube of blood taken, etc. It takes about 2-3 hours all total, but mine went a bit faster since I already knew the drill. Many of the questions and things they had to tell me I already knew. One of the ladies even asked if I could go out and let everyone else know the drill because she was tired of saying all the usual things...lol. There's something to be said for having as many surgeries in as little time as I have.

Once that was done, I had myself a latte thanks to mom and went home to rest. I was assured by Doc Onc that he would try and schedule my surgery as early as he could so I wouldn't have to go so long without any water or drink. The last time my surgery didn't happen until early afternoon and I hadn't had anything, not even a sip of water in over 12 hours. Food I can do without, but a drink... I'm diabetic and I get cotton mouth really easy, so I always have a drink next to me. So anyways, Doc Onc promised me an early surgery. Later Monday I called Pre-op to find out my surgery time and they told me to be at the hospital at 10am, which meant no surgery until noon, which also meant another 12 hours with no water. I was so pissed, I ranted and raved and just generally had myself a little meltdown. It's funny the things that will get you down. For me it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was nervous and stressed and a little scared, and by the time they told me the surgery time I had just had it. Luckily for me I have a great mom and sister that basically told me to "Suck it up, Princess!" and I got over myself. The next morning pre-op called at 7am and asked how soon I could get to the hospital. Seems they had a cancellation or something, so my early surgery was back on... after all that bitching and moaning...LOL. So Mom and I grabbed our stuff and took off.

Once there they took me straight back and I left Mom in the waiting room. I knew once they did a few housekeeping things (took vitals, changed me into the dreaded hospital gown, hooked me up to machines, inserted the IV) that they would let her come back and sit with me, so I was pretty relaxed. I knew the drill. Getting the IV in wasn't easy because I only have one arm they can use (I'm not allowed to use the lymph node dissected arm for shots, vitals, IVs...anything), and the one vein they tried blew as soon as they got it, so they had to stick me twice but they eventually got it inserted. It was uncomfortable and really pinched and I hope later it would settle down and stop hurting. Once I had all the doctors come in and check on me, they said they were going to do the nerve block right there before they took me into the OR. I asked if Mom could come back and be with me and they said no, not until it was over. Now, I know I'm 46 yrs old, supposed to be a grown woman, not afraid of stuff, but I was afraid of this nerve block and damnit, I just wanted my mom with me. I started to get really nervous, but then suddenly I was overcome by a feeling of calm. Something told me that they had taken good care of me before, and they wouldn't do anything that would hurt me. I don't know where this feeling came from, but I went with it.

They injected something calming into my IV (yeah I know, but this was AFTER I felt calm), and then rolled me onto my left side. I felt something cold and wet on the side of my upper thigh (alcohol), and then I felt a poke... and another. I knew they were injecting my nerve twice, and I remember saying "ouch" twice, but it wasn't a big deal and it's all kind of fuzzy now. The next thing I knew I was laying there relaxed and Mom was with me and everything was fine. Weird. Why can't they give me that stuff at the dentist? Laughing gas is great, but not like this stuff.

A few mins later Mom kissed me goodbye and went to get breakfast while they wheeled me into the OR. Doc Onc said a few things to me as I lay there looking at all the lights and instruments, and I think I said my usual to him, "Do a good job!", and I was out.

I woke up in recovery hours later. I thought they said they weren't going to put me to sleep? Well I guess they did. I still don't understand it. Apparently there are different levels of being put to sleep and they used a new one on me... I think. I don't know, all I care is that I don't remember a thing. When I woke up in recovery it was with the usual sore throat and I lay there and sipped ice water for about an hour, drifting in and out. I vaguely remember Doc Onc stopping by my bed to tell me he was pretty sure the tumor was benign, and then Mom was there with me. As I woke more I realized I had a long blue velcro immobilizer on my leg from the upper thigh to my ankle... and I couldn't feel my leg AT ALL. Very weird. Of course there was no pain, just my throat being sore.

A while later they wheeled me upstairs to my room and Mom and I got settled in. One nice thing about staying in the hospital in New Shands in the cancer section, the rooms are all private. I spent the rest of that day just laying there, not being able to feel a thing, watching tv with mom, and drifting in and out of sleep. Mom was so great and got me a little pizza for lunch along with a frozen latte... my favorite, so I was a happy girl. And it was confirmed the tumor was benign.

Later that night Mom was asleep on the pull out couch, and I was getting IV antibiotics all day on and off, when suddenly it started burning like acid in my hand and it was so bad that I told the nurse to take it out completely. Usually they would have argued with me about it, but I told them in no uncertain terms that if they didn't take it out.. I would, so they did. I still don't know what happened, I guess my vein blew or something, but once it was out my hand felt so good. Relief! That was the only thing that happened that night. Oh and every nurse and doctor that came in kept telling me that when the nerve block wore off, it would wear off really fast and the pain would hit me like a truck, so at the first hint of discomfort, I was to tell the nurse and she would start me on my pain meds. Mom and I almost got paranoid about it. Finally about 2am I could wiggle my toes again (you wouldn't think it would be a big deal but I was SO HAPPY to feel my toes!!!) and I started to feel a little pain, maybe a 1.5 on a scale of 10, so I told the nurse and she gave me a pain pill. After all the warnings, my pain never got above a level 3 or so, which suprised the nurses and doctors, but Mom said I have a high pain threshold just like her and Deni, which made me proud. Everyone in my family always thought I was a wimp.... until now.

The next day Doc Onc came by to tell me I could go home, and then Physical Therapy came by to show me how to get around. So far until now I had been using a portable potty chair next to my bed because I couldn't get to the bathroom. They brought in a walker and some crutches for me and showed me how to stand up safely. The crutches, which I thought would be good, were ackward and I hated them. The walker, like Mom predicted, was great and I used that to walk out of the room and down the hall a bit. Then they put me in a wheelchair and took me to the physical therapy room that had different things in it, along with my nemesis, the small mock up of stairs and a landing.

They showed me how to get up the stairs and down first using the crutches, then using the walker. It was a shock to me to discover how weak I was and how totally useless my leg was. I hated the stairs, and both my house and Mom's house have stairs up to the house that I would have to navigate if I were to get inside. I had a little mini-freakout and sat there and cried. I hated that I couldn't walk, couldn't use the bathroom like a normal person, couldn't get up or down stairs, etc. I just hated feeling disabled. It was a good lesson for me. I eventually started getting up and around my hospital room a bit more and started feeling better and they released me.

Once I got back to mom's, which is where I stayed for 2 days, I got up the stairs easier than I had thought I would. It was still really ackward but I did it. The next day it was even easier, and so on. Right now I'm walking without a walker or crutches, or should I say "limping" around. I have a wonderful "L" shaped scar on the back of my leg to add to my collection, and very little pain. Mostly my leg feels really stiff. After two days I took off the big blue monster leg immobilizer and I felt so much better. Now all I have to do is heal. I'm back to making dinner and waiting on Deni, albeit much slower than normal. Today I will go grocery shopping and I will have to use an electric chair for the first time. It will be an odd feeling but if anyone questions me I can point to my stitches which are very visible.

I'm hoping this will be my last surgery for a long, long time. I've gone 46 years with no surgery other than oral, and now within 4 months have had 4 surgeries. I think I've earned a rest now...lol.

Home from the hospital and doing good. Limping around with a walker and have a big blue velcro leg immobilizer on my leg from the top thigh to the ankle. Pain is easy peezy. Pathology came back... no cancer, just an annoying benign tumor. Yay!! Now to heal....